A recurring dream

April 22, 2020 | Boston | 40-49 years

Honestly, it’s all my dreams. They are fairly normal, or fairly normal for dreams—I’m doing things with people, I’m out in the world, and it feels either mundane or surreal or whatever. But there’s always a moment where I look around and remember—“oh my god, I forgot it’s a pandemic, and all these people are here not social distancing, and none of us are wearing masks.” Then my next thought is “But wait—is the pandemic over? Is it ok to be out now? But how didn’t I hear about it? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Why would they not want to tell me??” And THEN, as a third thought—“Did I dream the pandemic? Did I make it up? Am I crazy and people were just humoring me for a while??” As all these thoughts hit me in quick succession, I find myself too paralyzed with anxiety and panic to say anything out loud in my dream. I open my mouth to ask these questions and nothing comes out, except a cough. I suddenly realize I can’t talk. I can only cough. All around me everyone stares, and then everyone else starts coughing too. Then we’re all just coughing and coughing, painful dry coughing, rasping coughing, until finally I wake up with a start. This is how all my dreams that might have been good, or at least neutral, end up as nightmares.